Billions of Private Personal Thoughts Leaked to Web

Disclaimer: The following is strictly satirical in nature, but the warning is real.

GlobeHackNews – August 20, 2015. New York, London, Tokyo, etc. Not to be outdone by the leak of millions of alleged users of extra-marital-affair web site, Ashley Madison, notorious hacker Natas has released a searchable database of the personal private thoughts of approximately 2.5 billion people worldwide. Natas claims to have had access to this information for some time, but only now has shouted it from the rooftops, so to speak. “Face your truth, #minions!” Natas tweeted at midnight GMT today.

Unlike the Ashley Madison affair, where some names and addresses may have originated from other parties, the ownership of each thought is verifiable, since the human brain is a fairly closed system. But some experts claim reason to doubt the database’s accuracy. “Natas is a master of deceit,” says Dan Isle, director of public affairs, Skeptics International. “He has made grandiose claims in the past. Everyone knows he has acute ego issues. He’ll do anything to get attention, and doesn’t care who he takes down with him.” Isle has a point, but when asked about his own plot to steal his best friend’s girlfriend during his high school prom twenty years ago, he refused comment.

“The cat is out of the bag,” says P. Astor Graceman, Senior Advisor, the Truth Company. “We knew it was only a matter of time before the thoughts of every man, woman, and child would be broadcast worldwide. We have issued warnings, encouraging everyone to take every precaution to guard their thought life. We just didn’t know it would happen so soon.” Asked if there is anything the public can do now that our deepest secrets have been exposed. “Absolutely!” says Graceman. “But remember, not all thoughts should be of concern. Much of what goes through our heads is fluffy nonsense. There’s lots of good stuff in there too. It’s only the bad stuff we need to be concerned about.”

What then can be done about the “bad stuff”? Graceman, suggests the following:

1. Own up. Honesty is the best policy. Any attempt to cover up the truth will only make matters worse.
2. Trust in Jesus the Messiah. The Son of God died for our wrongs, both the public ones and the very secret ones. There is nothing too terrible that his blood cannot cover.
3. Wrong thoughts and wrong actions are ultimately offenses against God. If we confess to him, he will not only forgive us our wrongs, but cleanse us from their effect.
4. Take inventory. Some thoughts are simply thoughts. Taking action is another matter. Where wrong thoughts have led to wrong actions, apologize to offended parties. Make restitution where possible.

Cautionary note: As a rule of thumb confession of wrongs should only be as public as the infraction. It is unadvisable to confess the details of secret thoughts to others. Doing so will only cause unnecessary damage. Take evil thoughts seriously. Start by taking them to God alone. If they are out of control, seek council from a pastor or counsellor.